The Greatest Person I Have Ever Met.

Sorry, Veronica Danberry*, but the greatest person I have ever met is my cousin, Ami Jagnandan.

Now, this isn't Ami. This is Paris Hilton. But Ami kind of reminds me of Paris Hilton for a few reasons:

1.) Ami is totally glam.

2.) Paris Hilton and Ami both love Mario Party 6.

3.) Ami, as a rule, will never answer the phone if you call her. Not even one time. I've spent more time leaving Ami voice mails than I've spent doing, I don't know, something. Like, maybe a daily activity? But probably something I don't do for a whole lot out of the day, because in all seriousness, I only call Ami, at most, once every 2-3 weeks. However, if you were to catch her on the phone, this is what she'd look like.

Or, you know, she'd look something like that.

Ami lives in the Atlanta area with her husband and three kids. She and I have a relationship which is hard to describe with words. Basically, we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together. I can remember being about 5 and Ami's family coming to visit and she asked me who my favorite cousin was. I confusedly replied that it was she; "confusedly" because the answer seemed so obvious.

Ami laughs at my jokes and I laugh at hers. Because they are funny jokes. Seriously.

Ami is married to this guy, Davin, who is like half Sri Lankan and half Moldovan or something. Either way, he is brown. Maybe you don't know what I mean by this. Let me explain: I am an Anglo Saxon and he sure as hell isn't.

I hate Davin. Not because he's brown. It's simply a coincidence that I hate him and he's brown at the same time. But he's not funny...not even a little. This is an old picture of Davin that I found in a family photo album.

You may ask why he's wearing those clothes. I may ask why Ami ever married him in the first place. Notice the gut. And the vacant look of sheer incomprehension. Davin's been in school since like 1964 or something. Get a job, pal.

Ami's got these kids, Ethan, Aidan, and Sidney. Ethan and Aidan are both really smart. Sidney is, I think, less gifted (the last time I was around, she crapped her pants...like a couple times a day), but she still asks about me, so I'm down with whatever. Ethan and Aidan both have a future in some form of comedy; Ethan can write it and Aidan can act it out or something. Either way, they are both hilarious. At this point, with what I've seen from Sidney, I'd say that she's got a promising future in drinking cheap bourbon and having chia pets. But we're all blessed with different things.

I like going to Ami's house because it's 100% fun time. And Ami's idea of fun is not going and looking at stuff. In fact, Ami doesn't really like "going." We just sit and eat good food and we all make fun of each other. Oh, and we now play Round Robin Ping-Pong. Ami's house is a social lubricant far more powerful than any alcoholic beverage. Where else would my best friend describe my sister LeAndrea as looking like "any lesbo"? Nowhere, friends. Except for maybe heaven, because that's what being at Ami's is like.

Ami also introduced me to David Sedaris, who wrote some of my favorite books, including Me Talk Pretty One Day. I love to sit and listen to her read Sedaris's essays aloud. And the best part is is that she keeps in all the swear words.

Nowadays Ami goes to the gym and does yoga. I'm not really sure what that's all about, but I think "going to the gym" is code for something that most people aren't supposed to know about. Because that's not really Ami's style. But apparently she's lost a lot of weight and is still going strong. Screw Lance Armstrong, somebody make some bracelets for Ami.

I am going to see Ami around Thanksgiving, which will be pretty great. I am way excited. We belong side by side, a privilege which I have been robbed of by Davin. What a worthless crap sack.

All the potshots aside, Ami really is a rad lady. She loves her kids and has a sweet, sensitive heart. And I've never seen her fall down, not once, and I still love her. That's how great she really is. Because, seriously, seeing Ami fall down would be the funniest thing I can think of.

*Veronica Danberry is in no way, whatsoever, a "real" human being.